The Husky Half Brains

Nick “No Ordinary Joe” Montana pledged his verbal love to the University of Washington and new coach Steve Sarkisian. The story broke first at www.damonesdrunkfatherinlaw.com and was picked up by news outlets accross the nation including the secret Husky HalfBrains message board, then by the Seattle Times and finally by Dawgman.com and RealDawg, the two premier pay sites for Husky recruiting news. We kid because we’re dicks like that.

Montana was relieved to get his decision out of the way and commented, “please tell that bitch to stop texting me..” as he hopped onto his private jet for a little “me time” on the French Riviera. No PR man or press conference was required for the son of the legendary NFL quarterback to garner front page interest accross the nation with the news of his commit to the trashed UW program.

Hopefully a first step back to the limelight for the Husky Faithful who have suffered lo these many years under the inept brand of EmmertBall forced upon them by the feckless leader and worthless human being, Mark Emmert.

What, you thought he’d avoid abuse for this? It’s in the contract. Every story. 0-12 will not be forgotten until we go 12-0 again.

An atta boy for Sark for this one and let’s hope it leads to bigger and better things, like linemen and stuff.

The Jake Heaps era has come to a merciful end before it started as the Skyline Superstar chose to matriculate on down the field to BYU after he completes his high school career this fall. Heaps was said to have narrowed his choice down to BYU or the hometown Huskies of Emmert U.

Your humble correspondent has long said that Heaps was not the key to this class since I am tired of quarterback saviors already after a mere two years of King Jake the First. I have nothing against Locker, I just remind our readers that this site was the first to compare Locker to John Elway, who never played in a bowl game at Stanford. The Husky way is not to hype a QB, it is to build two solid lines and have a killer D.

So I am not inclined to lay this at Sark’s feet, although you may if you wish since Heaps was widely considered to be the state’s top recruit. Was he a must get? Well he’s gone now so I guess he wasn’t. The challenge now for our Boy Coach is to complete this class with great linemen and defenders and to pull some So Cal talent and finish among the upper crust of the Pac 10 when it is all added up. We’ll be watching for you so you don’t have to.

I am always up for blaming Emmert the Idiot for any and all things and this one fits upon his pointy little head if one wants. Keeping Ty for his epic 0-12 campaign did no favors to anyone other than Emmert himself, and made sure that Sark started from the back of the pack in the race for Heaps.

It may just be that the pull of the Angel Moroni was too much for anyone to compete with and that young Jake has followed his heart to where he wants to be.

But don’t try to tell us that Sark gets credit for being in 2nd place, or first loser. That is meaningless and stupid and merely continues the saga of stupidity that engulfs this once proud program. It is like the dying English Empire celebrating failure after failure as they careened drunkenly off the world stage to their place as our bitch.

Winners win and closers close. So far Sark has done nothing in the things we can measure, few though they be, to be fair. But more measurables are to come and measure we will and while others may cling to excuses and low expectations, we will continue to call for Mighty Britannia to rule the seas once again and accept nothing less as worthy of any praise and give failure nothing but the scorn it deserves.

Fall camp is a mere couple of months away. Tick fucking tock…er…tick….tick….tick….

Yes, yes we do mean it. The May edition is out just in time for June. We cover familiar ground and insult many people as usual as the long nightmare of EmmertBall rolls on and on and on into oblivion.

We discuss Woody the Pool Boy and his dreams of world peace and inter conference cooperation. We point out that if networks wanted to give the Pac 10 big TV contracts they would regardless of any revenue sharing plans.

Why don’t you let the fucking podcast play out before you criticize it?

Bonus material - we help Oregon Duck podcasters get started by ripping their cheap hire of a hula hoop offensive asssistant to replace the legendary although mediocre Mike Bellotti.

Apocalyptic podcast burns Emmert to the ground as an angry Race Bannon and a jaded iDawg discuss the events of Sark’s first 100 days, or however many he has.

Does Race really want him fired already? Did Little Jimmy Cornell dish the dirt on a certain psycho stalker?

Tune in Batfans, on the same itunes Batchannels you always use.

Dickhead incompetent alleged football President Mark “I went 0 and fucking 12″ Emmert lost the bright and shining accomplishment of the Sark era so far when O line maestro and under paid offensive cooridnator Michalczik bolted for the Raiders after being paid half as much as Sark’s sauna pal from USC, Nick “I sound more impressive than I am” Holt.

You get what you pay for and going cheap costs us again.

So we have that going for us which is nice.

Home run hire Steve Sarkisian hit a bunt single with his first class at the University of Emmert, Front Porch Campus. I am not overly concerned about that low ranking, but I will use it as an opportunity to make fun of and insult as many of my fellow fans as possible.

Long time observers do agree that since rankings of recruiting classes became popular about 20 years ago, this is the lowest rank that UW has managed to attain.

“I think it only serves to strengthen the argument that Herr Emmert is deeply concerned about football and his 6 year plan to rebuild the front porch has taken another big leap forward with the addition of these fine young student athletes who play football to our university,” commented head lap dog, Scott Woodard as he chuckled to himself at the thought of how a class like this at LSU would cost Emmert his job.

The same fans who assured us that Sark was a great hire are now assuring us that to actually expect anything from this great hire was foolish and ill informed. The same fans who assured us that coaching USC in the Rose Bowl would only help recruiting, now point out that Sark had very limited time to recruit, so why the fuck did you expect any results anyway?

 The same fans who made excuse after excuse for the failures of Ty have made excuse after excuse for this failure of Sark. And make no mistake about it, this was a failure. A fatal failure? I doubt it, but lets not sugar coat it and get all warm and fuzzy about the worst class in the Pac 10 either.

It is a class that may turn out better than advertised if these guys can actually coach. And that is what we find out next - can these guys coach? And we do have hope that they are hard working guys who love recruiting and will do much better the next time around.

But the fiasco proves that a proven head coach that you had to pay more money for would have had the credibility that Sark lacks and would have made a bigger splash in this first class. And it shows that if Sark does make it here, it is nothing more than a lucky dart throw by President 0-12. Not that anyone will care at that point. Including me. If he fails, people will care.

I’m not lowering the bar or accepting excuses. Get the job done or get the fuck out. Strike One!

The next test comes this spring as we look at the players after a winter of conditioning. 

No, 2009 promises to be the best year ever! It will be ……

Better than Ty!

And how could it not, what with Ty racking up the worst season in Husky history and Pac 10 history and in world history. President Football is in Year 6 of his master plan to rebuild Husky Football. Husky Ball had floundered to a 39-22 mark the 5 years before Emmert arrived and the master of the gridiron has led the troops to a 12-47 record during the 5 years of his rebuild of the front porch, with nary a winning season or bowl game to show for it.

Ah, but to blame our Great Leader for this is to not understand the brilliance of his plan. He had to destroy Husky Football to save it. His loyal servants dutifully defend his honor, many of them featured here in our comment section, and long to suck his 2 inches of manhood to show their gratitude for what he has done for us.

Now that Husky Football lay bleeding, Emmert has been unleashed to hire his Louisiana lover to the AD job and to pay almost halfway to top dollar for our brand new coach and to pay top dollar for our brand new defensive coordinator. The Huskies have wracked up the worst defenses in school history lately, so the need for a boss hoss DC was evident even to Emmert.

Cynics may claim that Emmert is merely reacting to the continuing loss of revenue and the harsh criticism and outright abuse he is taking for his masterpiece of a 0-12 season that he ensured last December when he kept Ty the Fuckhead around for one more year of program destruction. Emmert’s hands were tied we are told and indeed they were by Mistress Mitzi, the dominatirix deluxe. While Emmert didled, Montlake burned.

But that’s all behind us now as the Boy Wonder Steve Sarkisian is here and we are to forget the past and focus on the future while we hope the present brings us a win or three to tide us over and we can exclaim -

He’s better than Ty!

And he most surely will be. His attitude and swagger will help our soft lads and his strength and conditioning coach will burn off that flab. It’s a brand new day and Emmert brought it to us so stop your compaining about how he screwed us.

Get on board and give Sark a chance. He’s the pretty girl that you want to ask to the dance. He could be hot and the coach of our dreams or he could suck and break our beaten hearts once again.

I like what I’ve seen and it’s better than Ty. Now let’s see if he can make us aim a bit more high. We just want some fucking wins around here. That’s all we ever wanted. Just make it happen. Turn 12-47 to 47 -12 and we’ll give Emmert his due. But for now it’s the same Fuck You.

0-12 will not soon be forgotten nor will the man who made it all happen. Emmert.

All the best to our faithful band of warriors and as usual, all of our critics can go fuck themselves.

Attributable to Sven.

Win five BCS bowls then pop off about Pete Carroll.

In a press release, UW president Mark Emmert said that “I’m thrilled to have Steve heading up our football program. He’s a very talented, energetic coach with a great work ethic and values that match the UW. His challenge is very clear — we believe he’s entirely up to it, and we look forward to a return of the glory years for Husky football.”

I used to have Emmert’s effusive praise for Ty Willingham as my tag line. I was told by Emmert apologists that he never really meant it and it was all Turner’s fault, who Emmert hired, but really didn’t according to the same apologists.

So does he mean this one? Or is it all on Woodward?

If Sark is a home run hire I am sure that Emmert hired him just like he hired Nick Saban.

If Sark fails I am just as sure that Woodward hired him and Emmert’s statement tonight was merely a reluctant backing up of his AD.

And people still believe in this clown.